So I have been kinda-sorta seeing this guy. It's really casual. Hang out, talk a bit, etc. a bit... you know. He's younger by a few but oh-so-precious...
He's sweet too. He makes me smile. I like that.
I am not wanting a relationship with anyone - but it is nice to get a little companionship.
A tasty morsel is he...
Nummy... nummy
Whew... I need to fan this flame a bit - hugh? Whew!
Posted at 07:13 am by breakupgirl
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I have been forcing myself into work so much that I have not taken any time for me. Well, the other night, I went out with friends for Mardi Gras and ended up having rebound/frustrated/lonely sex with some indiscriminate guy...
Feeling a little... well... self concious about it.
how wierd is this????
Such a mish-mash of thoughts / feelings / etc...
I am my own worst critic. Always have been. I tend to beat myself up for stuff that really doesnt matter...
Why is it in my brain??? GET OVER IT DAMMIT!!! IT WAS MARDI GRAS FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!
Oy.
Posted at 07:09 am by breakupgirl
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It's wierd...
I still think of him - quite often in fact. K asked me if I was still sad - to which I answered, "Yes"... because that is the truth. I am still sad. Not pathetic and wailing - just dispirited about it all. I am getting out and working, hanging out with friends and going out - but just to be social. It's neither irrelevant or relevant. It is neither significant or insignificant... It just IS.
I do think of him often - with great fodness. Nostalgic, really. Reminicent. Like a memory that is getting further away every time I conjour it up in my mind. I don't think about his last goodbye - I think of his first "hello". I smile and my heart will slightly ache - but I am not crippled by it anymore. Not like I was initially.
I hold him close to me. Knowing that we once had really great times together. My days were made more special knowing that I would be in his company. Knowing that, at some point, I would get to see him face to face.
I know I could not see him face to face without it killing me. I saw him across a packed arena - a basketball game ... I know his seat number and I saw him there amidst 20,000 others. That was hard. It was the first time I physically saw him since the good-bye and I did have to go to the ladies room to pull myself together. There were hundreds of feet and thousands of people that separated us - but I knew he was there and I knew where to see him. I just remember my heart crushing and my eyes filling with their tears - an all too common occurance when I think of &$^#. I looked to Lisa who was sitting next to me and said, "I have to go to the ladies room" and discretely slinked away. Nobody was the wiser.
I stood in front of the mirror and wiped my eyes and powdered my face. Told myself to "pull together"... I am an amazingly strong person in life and have conquored some of the most difficult tasks -- yet, this... this is so crippling.
Every great day and every bad day I want to call and share it with him - but I can't... And that is truly awful because I had so hoped that we could, at least, selvage some kind of friendship from this. Maybe it is better that we don't. Maybe it would be like human torture.
Maybe.
Most likely.
So I carry on. Getting up in the morning and diving into work. Keeping my schedule full because it is the down time that really kills. I must annoy the living crap out of my girlfriends with my increased phone calls, emails, and requests to go out - even if just for coffee. I hope they understand. I am sure they do.
That is the state of my affairs right now. Complacent - resigning - stagnant....
Posted at 03:19 pm by breakupgirl
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Well - thank goodness for buddies - yet again.
Making sure I get out and about.
The latest revelations had me down, but I am getting out and hanging with friends. I am enjoying the things I usually enjoy....
I find that the good days are getting more frequent and the downtime is not as blatant and overwhelming as it once was.
Thanks guys!
Posted at 11:15 am by breakupgirl
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Well... he's dating a colleague now.
Sleeping with her, no less...
Ugh.
I am moving onto the anger/bitter/penis-embargo phase of this break-up situation.
Bust out the Alanis Morrisette, dammit! I'm feeling a little pissed!
Posted at 08:35 am by breakupgirl
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I would like to take a moment to thank two very important parts of my life right now:
Work
and
Friends
Both of which are helping me get a good jump back into the real world. Gracias.
Posted at 08:42 am by breakupgirl
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BLECH...
Posted at 08:23 am by breakupgirl
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and the most pathetic moment of the year award goes to: ME!
Get this!
So, I see on my phone that there is a voice mail. I check the voice mail and the moment he starts talking it sounds just like &$^#... my heart stops, my eyes well up and I am not even listening to the words he says... I just get all emotional and sad and crazy all at once. My heart is balled up like an old paper - it was the craziest thing! I then checked the caller ID and saw it was someone else.
WAS MY BRAIN OFF?
How is that possible for that to happen?
Will this craziness end?
I still think about him constantly. I am getting better at functioning without being a total mess - but my mind is always looking for him, waiting, anticipating...
Tell me this does get better...
Posted at 08:31 am by breakupgirl
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So I just sat around a lot today.
Didn't have any plans.
No calls.
Just flipped channels.
BOOOOOORRRRINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
Posted at 01:59 pm by breakupgirl
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I just deleted your AIM ID off of my buddy list.
That way I don't have to see you on but with your "F-off" symbol cleverly disguised as an "AWAY MESSAGE"....
Now, I just have to remain strong enough to not put it back on.
That was harder than I thought it would be.
Posted at 12:39 pm by breakupgirl
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