SO, this is 2005....


Yesterday afternoon, I finally turned my phone on to see a text message from K.  K said, "What are you doing tonight?" to which I replied: "Drinking alone and wallowing in self pity"... To that she responded, "Like hell you are!".  Just about that same time, Lisa called and said that I had to get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay.   Lisa insisted that it was time to motivate myself to get out and about - and so I obliged.

I first went to see K at a shindig she was at before going to Lisa's thingie.  I had WAY TOO MUCH champagne, but I was a VIP with Lisa and got to hang behind the ropes with the big guy deciding who got in and who didn't.  Lisa spent the night making sure I had a great time, and to her I am grateful.

I had a great time - however, in the midst of my champagne induced stupor, I made A LOT of phone calls and left many voice mails to $#%&.  I know, I know.  I shouldn't have done it - but I did.  I don't remember all of the messages I had left, but I know they were pathetic.

He never called.  Not once.  No texts.  No emails.  Not even one to say "Stop calling me".  Nothing.

You have made yourself very clear mister man --- I am sorry it took me so long to catch on.  Don't worry, I will no longer bother you.  Not once.

I believe that he never cared - that I was screwed..... My eyes are open now.  I will not be blinded by you anymore - I see your truth. 

Thank you Lisa and K for getting me out and about.. for getting me off my pathetic ass to live again. 

2005 is going to be a great year.  I refuse mediocrity.  This is my year dammit!!!!!

I am getting up an moving around a bit... I apparently made quite the mess last evening. Bottles need to be picked up, etc...

In the midst of my cleaning, I come across some chicken scratch on paper - apparently, in my broken-hearted stupor, I wrote this:


DID THE ANGELS CRY?

Did the angels cry
When you came down to earth
For your beauty was no longer theirs?
Did the angels sit weeping
And mourn for their loss
For at you they no longer could stare?

Did the angels count daisies
Pulling petals of hope
Wishing for you to return?
Did they angrily yell
And beg for God's help
For you, they no longer could yearn?

So, for now they will watch
Over the edge of the clouds
Reaching over and trying to touch.
For the angels miss looking
At your beautiful face
And, believe me, I miss it as much.


Not bad for a drunk girl... hmmm.

Emails?  Nope....
IM's?  None...
Voice mails?  Uh.. no.

WHO'S FREAKIN GENIOUS IDEA WAS IT TO DRINK THAT MUCH LAST NIGHT?

Oh, wait - it was mine, wasn't it?  My bad...

I fell asleep listening to The Eagles... Yup, you guessed it: Wasted Time


Well baby.. There you stand
With your little head down in your hands.
Oh my God - I can't believe - It's happening again
Your baby's gone, and you're all alone
And it looks like the end...

Yup... Depressing, I know - but this is where I am at right now.

The real pisser of all of this is: it is New Year's.  Everyone will be going out and hanging with friends - holding onto someone to kiss at midnight while I lie on my couch and look at his picture and cry... How fair is that?  Happy fuckin' new year to me...

I sure hope 2005 will be better to me. 

Shit this sucks.

Mother fucker.

I'M DONE...

Thank you Luther Vandross for these...

And we can thank our good friend, the REPEAT button on the CD player for providing endless loops of this stuff....

I cant do this anymore tonigt... goodnight my beauties

I did it...

"Hi.  This is *#&$* and I can't come to the phone right now.  Leave me a message and I will call you back" BEEEEEEEEEP....

I didn't leave a message.  I hung up.  I just wanted to hear his voice.

UGH... Can someone out there give me a suggestion?  Help me out with this misery here...

Fuck.

Gee Break up girl.. whatcha' up to?

Well, I am looking at his email address in my list of contacts while getting toasted.

Why would you do that?

No reason.  Just staring at it.  Wishing I could send an email to it.

Uh.. huh...  Maybe we should take that beer then?

Touch my beer and I will kill you.



For those of you wondering what song I am on.. I have gone through "Aint no sunshine when she's gone", "Superstar" (LUTHER!), and now I am drunk enough to start listening to THE CURE...

Thank goodness for shots.

I want to call him - I know he won't answer his phone... I want to hear him on his voice mail.. but I shouldnt

I have told so many girlfriends on these nights - and taken their phones away, so that they dont make that hideous drunken phone call... I must restrain myself.  DO NOT CALL DAMMIT!  DONT DO IT!!!

I would hate myself even more if I did.

THIS EVENING'S ACTIVITIES ARE BEING BROUGHT TO YOU BY BUDWEISER WHO ASK THAT WHEN YOU DRINK HEAVILY FROM A BROKEN-HEARTED DEPRESSION, THAT YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE... PLEASE SPARE OTHERS FROM SEEING YOU IN THIS STATE. 

Next song in the rotation (my commentary in pink):

Tell me when I can open my eyes
I don’t want to watch you walk out that door
There’s no easy way to get through goodbye (shit... who you tellin' sister?)
I’d probably try and talk you into staying once more

Or I’d lie and say it’s all for the best
Wish you luck and say I have no regrets (I regret that you're gone)
But I’m not up to being strong  (I can barely get out of bed)
So I’ll wait until you're gone
Is it over yet, is it over yet?

A taxi’s waiting in the driveway for you
You call my name, I guess your ready to leave
I’d like to help you with a suitcase or two
But I’m afraid I’m gonna wind up down on my knees

I should tell you that I want you to go  (that would be a lie)
I really need to spend some time on my own  (I dont want to be on my own - I want you back)
Smile and say goodbye
So you don’t see me dying inside  (I am sooo dying right now)
Is it over yet, is it over yet?

I should lie and say it’s all for the best
Wish you luck and say I have no regrets
But I’m not up to being strong
So I’ll wait until your gone
Is it over yet, is it over yet?